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Hair Remover
Woman suspected that her hairy Schnauzer pooch was hard of hearing, so she took him to the veterinarian.
"I see the problem," the vet said, "He has hair balled up in his ears. I'll clip it out and to keep it from happening again, go to the drug store and get some liquid hair remover.Dab it in each ear once a week and the problem will be solved.
So she went to the drug store and told the pharmacist she wanted liquid hair remover..
"OK, miss. Dilute this stuff 2 to 1 in water, apply it and your problem with hair on the legs will be gone.
"No, that's not what I want it for," she said.
"Well, dilute it 4 to 1 and apply it under your arms. Your hair problem there wlll disappear.," he said.
"No, I want to put it on my Schnauzer," she said.
"In that case, lady, dilute it 10 to 1, and after you apply it, don't ride a bike for a week," the druggist concluded.

Bullish
Three bulls, one large, one medium, and one small, were standing in the pasture and had just heard a rumor that the farmer had just bought a new, larger bull. The largest of the three said, "Well, he ain't getting none of my cows." The medium bull said, "He ain't getting none of my cows." The little bull said, "Well, if he ain't getting any of your's, them he sure as hell ain't getting one of mine."
Two days later, a semi pulls into the yard, and they unload the new bull. He's big and pissed from having been cooped up for the long journey. When the three bulls see him, the biggest bull says, "He can have my cows," the medium bull says, "He can have mine, too." The littlest bull, however, begins to paw the ground, snort and bellow, and basically carry on. "What's with you?" the other two asked. "I'm just showing him I ain't a cow!"

Getting Fixed
Two dogs were sitting in a vet's office. The bigger of the dogs gruffs, "Whatcha doing here?"
The little dog responds, "I'm getting 'fixed'. Whenever I see my mistress I get so horny I just jump on her leg and start pumping. It's very embarrassing."
The first dog says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. One morning my mistress had just got out of the shower, and was sitting on the side of the bed. She leaned down to pick up her clothes from the floor, and I couldn't resist it... I jumped up and starting taking her from the rear!"
The second dog exclaimed, "Wow! So you're here to be fixed too?" "Hell no, I'm getting de-clawed."

Seeing Eye Dog Joke
There are two guys, one with a Doberman Pincher and one with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pincher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're really very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" He says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

Moms and Dogs
Heard on CJAD on George Balcan's Bad Joke Friday:
A talent scout is walking down the street and comes across a man and his dog. The little dog is singing. He has a lovely voice and the talent scout says, "Come to my office. I want to sign you and this marvelous dog to a contract. This dog can make us both rich." The man brings his little dog to the talent scouts office. The little dog is just about to finish singing "La Donna E' Mobile" (and sounding like Luciano Pavarotti), when a large dog runs into the room and grabs him by the scruff of the neck. She (it's a bitch) runs away with him in her mouth. The talent scout yells, "Stop her. She's taking away our fortune!" The man replies, sadly, "It's no use. That's his mother. She doesn't want him to be an entertainer. She wants him to be a doctor."

The Black Sheep
Out in the middle of darkest Africa there was a White Missionary living with a tribe of black natives.
One day the big chief comes along and calls the Missionary into his hut, where he was sharpening his big axe. He explains to the white man that his daughter has just given birth to a white baby, and that since the missionary's the only white man for thousands of miles, the missionary will be the "main course" at dinner that night.
"Now just hang on a minute, give me a chance to explain, chief," says the Missionary. "You're jumping to conclusions here. Let me tell you a story. See all those white sheep out in the field and how there's one black one amongst them."
The Chief thinks for a moment. "OK!" says the Chief, "You say nothing, I say nothing."

The Cat & Duck Method Of Flying
Today's flight age is an era highlighted with increasing emphasis on safety. Instrumentation in the cockpit and in the traffic control tower has reached new peaks of electronic perfection to assist the pilot during take-offs, flight, and landings. For whimsical contrast to these and other marvels of scientific flight engineering, it is perhaps opportune to remind pilots of the basic rules concerning the so-called Cat-and-Duck Method of Flight, just in case something goes wrong with any of these new- fangled flying instruments you find in today's aircraft. Place a live cat on the cockpit floor. Because a cat always remains upright, he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and, if so, which one. The duck is used for the instrument approach and landing. Because any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow her to the ground. There are some limitations to the Cat-and-Duck Method, but by rigidly adhering to the following check list, a degree of success will be achieved.
Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all, at any time. It may be necessary to get a large fierce dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention. Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time washing. Trying to follow a cat licking itself usually results in a tight snap roll, followed by an inverted (or flat) spin. You can see this is very unsanitary. Old cats are best. Young cats have nine lives, but an old used-up cat with only one life left has just as much to lose an you do and will therefore be more dependable. Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright - or straight and level- she will refuse to leave without the cat. Ducks are no better on instruments than you are. Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes will go flogging off into the nearest hill. Very short-sighted ducks will not realize they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This maneuver is quite difficult to follow in an airplane. Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and find yourself on final approach for some farm pound in Iowa. Also, the farmers there suffer from temporary insanity when chasing crows off their corn fields and will shoot anything that flies. Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese because many water birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers , geese seldom want to go in the same direction you do. If your duck heads off for the Okefenokee Swamp, you may be sure you have been given the goose.

The Horse
A man walks into a bar and he sees a horse in the corner. Next to the horse is a suitcase full of money. The man walks up to the bartender and asks "what is that horse doin' in the bar?" To this the bartender replies, "well you pay me five dollars and you get one chance to make the horse laugh, if you can get him to laugh you can have that suitcase full of money." The man pays the five bucks to the bartender, walks over to the horse and whispers into his ear. Needless to say, the horse absolutely falls down laughing, not just a chuckle, but a full blown belly laugh, just absolutely dying of laughter. The man picks up the suitcase tips his hat to the astonished bartender and walks out the door.
About a week later the same man walks into the same bar and that same horse is in the corner with a new suitcase full of money beside it. He walks up to the bartender and says "ok what do I have to do to get that suitcase?" The bartender answers "well, since you were the only one that could make him laugh, you have to make him cry now." The man nods nonchalantly, strolls right up to the horse. Before the bartender knew what was happening the horse was breaking down crying, and a stream of tears was running down its snout. The man picked up the suitcase and was about to walk out when the bartender said "you made him laugh and cry... Christ.. tell me how you did it!"
The man replied "first time I told him my dick was bigger than his, second time I showed him."

Three Legged Chicken
A salesman is driving down a country road when he spots a chicken sitting in the middle of the road. He honks the horn to chase it off the road, but instead of running to the side, the chicken takes off running down the middle of the road, and quite fast. The curious man steps on the gas to check this chicken out.
As he gets closer, he swear he sees 3 legs coming out from under the hot-footing chicken. The chicken accelerates and begins pulling away from the car again. The man checks his speedometer. "Wow, 40 MPH!"
He accelerates again, catching up to the chicken, who accelerates again and leaves him in his dust.
The man keeps speeding up, as does the chicken, up to 65 MHP, and he's amazed. Just then the chicken veers off the road onto a dirt road, leading up to a farmhouse.
The man skids to a stop, backs up and drives up to the house, where an old man greets him at the front door. "Sir, that your chicken over there? It's quite a runner! Do I actually see 3 legs coming out of it???"
"That's right, son," says the farmer. "We breed 'em like that. You see, my wife, my son and myself all love drumsticks. So we breed 'em with 3 legs."
"Wow, that's amazing. Tell me something- do the 3-legged ones taste any different?"
"Dunno, " says the farmer. "...we ain't caught one yet."

The Gorilla
It was a beautiful warm spring day; a man and his wife are at the zoo.
She was wearing a cute, loose fitting, pink spring dress, sleeve-less with straps. As they were walking through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla went ape. He jumped up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and both feet), grunting, and pounding his chest with the free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, suggested his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggested she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She did, and Mr. Gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall, she did, and Mr. Gorilla was just about to tear the bars down. "Now, try lifting your dress up your thighs," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabbed his wife by the hair, ripped open the door to the cage, slung her in with the gorilla and yelled, "Now, tell *him* you have a headache!"

The Dog And His Son
One day a poppa dog had the job of looking after his young puppy while mommy went off shopping. He had his heart set on going to the dog show that day so asked his young son if he would like to go along. Of course that sounded exciting to the little puppy so he agreed. While there the poppa dog entered himself in the show. Lo and behold, he came away with the blue ribbon for 'best of show'. On the way home he suggested to his son that they stop by the local pub to celebrate with a beer or two. The puppy drank sodas while his father had several beers. When they got home poppa realized that they had left the ribbon on the bar.
The puppy said, "You've had enough to drink already, Pop. I'll run back for it."
When he climbed up onto the bar stool the bartender asked, "What'll you have young man?"
The puppy replied, "I'LL HAVE PAP'S BLUE RIBBON, PLEASE!

From Gene Child and "Shaggy Dogs Have Punny Tales"

Horney Rooster
A farmer bought a new rooster, who promptly screwed every hen in sight, a couple of geese a passing homing pigeon and the farmers pet parrot. The old rooster commented "Boy you're going to kill yourself if you go on like this". Sure enough, a couple of days later, the young rooster is lying flat on his back in the farm yard with legs in the air and the buzzards circling above - death was upon him. "I told him so," said the old rooster, wandering over, "I told him so." Whereupon the young rooster opened one eye and winked saying "Shut up and go away, I'm after one of those buzzards."

Man's Best Friend
One day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
"My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse.
The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"
To which the man replied, "Get in line."

If You Are Unhappy
Once upon a time there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral Of The Story
1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2) Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.
3) And if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

Cats According To Dave Barry
Cats are less loyal than dogs, but more independent. (This is code. It means: "Cats are smarter than dogs, but they hate people.") Many people love cats. From time to time, newspapers print stories about some elderly widow who died and left her entire estate, valued at $320,00, to her cat, Fluffkins. Cats read these stories, too, and are always plotting to get named as beneficiaries in their owners' wills. Did you ever wonder where your cat goes when it wanders off for several hours? It meets with other cats in estate-planning seminars. I just thought you should know."

French Camel
Two guys are on duty at a French Foreign Legion fort. One says to the other one, "See that camel over there? I'll bet you I can make him jump 30 feet in the air. Other guy says no way. First guy walks around to the back of the camel with two bricks. Reaches in between the camel's legs and crashes the bricks together. Camel jumps 30 feet in the air. A couple of days later the first guy says to the second guy. I bet you I can make that camel nod his head yes. Second guy says ," You got me last time, but there's no way you can make that dumb animal nod his head yes. First guy takes the same two bricks, walks around to the front of the camel, holds up the bricks and says, "Remember me?". Camel nods.....

Gorilla Catcher
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl gorilla?" the removal service guy asks.
"Boy," is the man's response.
"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there."
An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a dog, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained dog will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on."
The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog."

Doggie Farts
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.
"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.
"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"

Derby Horse
A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him "Hey-come over hear buddy". The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks "Were you talking to me"? The horse replies "Sure was, man I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money cause I can still run." The jogger thought to himself, "boy a talking horse"
Dollar signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger tells the farmer "Hey man I'll give you $5,000 for that old broken down nag you've got in the field". The farmer replies "Son you can't believe anything that horse says-He's never even been to Kentucky

BMW
A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. He drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up."
And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW

Doggie at the Movies
I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. "That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film." The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

FBI Canine
A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute." Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute. "Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course." This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time. "There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual." With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"